We got back from our trip to Bingen, (and Breitenbush) a couple of days ago...the bags filled with our belongings are still on the floor in the basement where I left them as I was unloading the car...the dishes, coats, toys have been just sitting where they were last left...Finally, tonight, I spent about 1/2 hour cleaning up...didn't take long...(the bags though, are still untouched)...All I have been doing for the past 2 days has been knitting and playing with Owen. That's about it.
I will admit that I think more about my death since Joe died...I believe this is completely logical...but today, I felt a pang of danger...I felt my heart skip around...and I had this momentary gasp for air...as I was knitting on the couch...it happened a few times...and all I could think about was. 1.)Am I going to die today...and 2.) Is this what Joe felt that morning?
You see...there is no one else here that I have to talk to about this...so I just sit with my thoughts, (both the rational ones and the irrational ones)...and try to make sense of things...and get a fucking grip.
As I was tucking Owen to bed, I tried as casually as possible to mention to him the procedure should he find me unconscious one day...it's a hard conversation to have with a 5 and 1/2 year old...it sucked but I felt it was necessary...he now knows to dial 911 and/or to go to our neighbors home for help. He understandably wanted an additional 10 minutes of snuggling time, and even asked me to just go to sleep right then and there with him...I tried to make the conversation as "matter of fact" as possible, and even suggested to him that we have a fire drill tomorrow..
You know what terrifies me the most about dying now? It's just how fucking shitty it would be for Owen...I am just now getting to the point where I can't remember Joe's facial expression when he died...and I don't want a similar image of me burned into Owen's memory...it's just too painful.
Alas, I really don't think I have a heart issue...I just really hate not knowing when I'm going to die...I want to be prepared...this randomness is just so fucking unsettling.
4 weeks ago
