I just can't believe it. I see it. "76 days", and I just can't believe it...Yesterday I spent a few hours going through your papers...shredding old credit card statements that documented your life in some manner...I couldn't bear to read them. Your scribbled notes on the margins...your constant little reminders of how you were...It was painful to shred anything that had "you" on it.
I feel like there are two "me"s. The public one...the one that most people see...the happy one on most days...the one that needs to interact with others...the one that shops, goes to the gas station, goes to the park with O...smiles and waves. And all of this is real...in most cases I do feel happiness and I feel that I am managing OK...you know, that I'm trying to move on...well, because sitting with the grief and pain of your absence is just too painful. That's the bottom line...The Amalia that is always there is the one that is here now...typing these words, alone, tears and pain embracing me...She's the one that can't really put words to feelings...the knot in the throat...the streaming tears that seem to come more often.
I love, love, love you.
4 days ago