Death on the Brain...

We got back from our trip to Bingen, (and Breitenbush) a couple of days ago...the bags filled with our belongings are still on the floor in the basement where I left them as I was unloading the car...the dishes, coats, toys have been just sitting where they were last left...Finally, tonight, I spent about 1/2 hour cleaning up...didn't take long...(the bags though, are still untouched)...All I have been doing for the past 2 days has been knitting and playing with Owen. That's about it.

I will admit that I think more about my death since Joe died...I believe this is completely logical...but today, I felt a pang of danger...I felt my heart skip around...and I had this momentary gasp for air...as I was knitting on the couch...it happened a few times...and all I could think about was. 1.)Am I going to die today...and 2.) Is this what Joe felt that morning?

You see...there is no one else here that I have to talk to about this...so I just sit with my thoughts, (both the rational ones and the irrational ones)...and try to make sense of things...and get a fucking grip.

As I was tucking Owen to bed, I tried as casually as possible to mention to him the procedure should he find me unconscious one day...it's a hard conversation to have with a 5 and 1/2 year old...it sucked but I felt it was necessary...he now knows to dial 911 and/or to go to our neighbors home for help. He understandably wanted an additional 10 minutes of snuggling time, and even asked me to just go to sleep right then and there with him...I tried to make the conversation as "matter of fact" as possible, and even suggested to him that we have a fire drill tomorrow..

You know what terrifies me the most about dying now? It's just how fucking shitty it would be for Owen...I am just now getting to the point where I can't remember Joe's facial expression when he died...and I don't want a similar image of me burned into Owen's memory...it's just too painful.

Alas, I really don't think I have a heart issue...I just really hate not knowing when I'm going to die...I want to be prepared...this randomness is just so fucking unsettling.

Ho, Ho, Ho...

Today Owen and I began our new tradition of getting the house decorated for the holidays...I will admit that if it weren't for Owen being here, I wouldn't have bothered...but since I want to make the holidays as lovely as possible...I ventured forth...albeit somewhat ambivalent...

For the last 2 years, (I can't remember what we did in 2007)...we got a live tree...since I haven't made up my mind about staying in Spokane for Christmas or going to Seattle...I didn't want to get a live tree. I also wasn't excited about spending a lot of money on a fake tree...especially since I really didn't want a fake tree...but, you know...the kid!!! So we headed out to Lowe's and after looking amidst all of the artificial trees...we found a $25 one. Twenty-five dollars! It looked like it cost $25.00...but I was feeling optimistic...and Owen was on board...so we brought it home...

Once home...we put the simple pieces together...opened all the branches...and began decorating it...We have a lot of ornaments...some that I purchased through the years...and some that Mary gave to me which she used, to decorate her tree years ago...these, were the ones that Joe grew up with...

I won't write all the details of the afternoon...but I will share that aside from a few moments of feeling sad, Owen and I had a pretty good time filling this little tree full of lovely ornaments...creating memories of just the two of us...and I think it's one of the most beautiful trees we've done!

You...and Me....

76 Days...

I just can't believe it. I see it. "76 days", and I just can't believe it...Yesterday I spent a few hours going through your papers...shredding old credit card statements that documented your life in some manner...I couldn't bear to read them. Your scribbled notes on the margins...your constant little reminders of how you were...It was painful to shred anything that had "you" on it.

I feel like there are two "me"s. The public one...the one that most people see...the happy one on most days...the one that needs to interact with others...the one that shops, goes to the gas station, goes to the park with O...smiles and waves. And all of this is real...in most cases I do feel happiness and I feel that I am managing OK...you know, that I'm trying to move on...well, because sitting with the grief and pain of your absence is just too painful. That's the bottom line...The Amalia that is always there is the one that is here now...typing these words, alone, tears and pain embracing me...She's the one that can't really put words to feelings...the knot in the throat...the streaming tears that seem to come more often.

76 days...

I love, love, love you.

Missing you...

I just can't stop the tears...I miss you so much...I am sitting here, reading some of your emails...your last email to me was so lovely...so you...I just can't believe you are gone...Did you know how much I LOVED you? I'm sorry sweetie, I wish I could go back in time...I would run in to the ER with you...and shout at the top of my lungs that you were having a heart attack...and then maybe...those few minutes would have made a difference...I miss, miss, miss you...

My heart is yours.

Returning

I am testing a new app.

Camping Weekend!!!

Oh the fun...

Cabin Overnight!

Once again, beautiful Jennifer had us all over for a lovely night at the cabin...As usual, the food was amazing...the drinks divine...the laughter contagious...the dancing fabulously sexy...

Here are the pics that can be posted...